


Dark of Night

by Kellygirl



Category: Firefly
Genre: M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-05
Updated: 2003-11-05
Packaged: 2019-04-29 08:13:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14468574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kellygirl/pseuds/Kellygirl
Summary: The night can hold secrets.





	Dark of Night

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Firefly’s Glow](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Firefly%27s_Glow), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Firefly's Glow collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/fireflysglow/profile).

 

Dark of Night

## Dark of Night

### by Kellygirl

Dark of Night  
Feedback: Any and all appreciated and when my dial up is in a great mood I will email you back and thank you. Disclaimer: Any and all characters belong to JW and ME. No money being made. A big thanks to Sffan for making the story a lot better than the form it started out in. 

*  
I never know when he'll show up. Nothing in his demeanor gives me a clue, so every night was a night I got through in uneasy anticipation. I used to try and figure it out by the way he acted, by the way a job turned out. But there were times when the job went perfect and he slid open my door and there were times when a job went way south and he showed up. 

The first time it happened I was so confused and scared I just went along with it. I didn't say yes but I didn't say no either. I tried to tell myself I owed him something but while that's true that isn't the whole truth as to why I let him touch me and climb into my bed. I wanted it and felt special that I was giving him something no one else was. After the first few times I tried to talk to him about it but in the waking hours aboard the ship or on some planet he always ignored me or cut me off before I got my words out into the air. 

He has me all twisted up inside and I feel like there's nothing I can do to stop this...whatever we have. It's not a relationship; it doesn't even come close. But I wonder now, after the three months it's been happening if I could give it up. I'm addicted to his presence underneath me, over me, and in me. I love the clean smell of him, fresh from a shower and the way he smells all warm and musky after we're done. 

He doesn't talk much during our times in the middle of the night, but I can tell certain things just by the way he breathes. His breath hitches three times in his throat before he comes. I feel his nails dig into my skin briefly before he rubs his fingertips over my body. There's a deep hum in his throat when I do something he likes. Occasionally he will barely whisper my name and when he does that, there is always a something lurking right underneath it. It sounds like lust, other times like desperation. When his whispers of my name are tinged with sorrow my stomach clenches and it takes everything within me to not beg him to tell me why his voice sounds like that. 

__

I never meant to go to Simon's room that first night. Once I was there I never meant for it to go as far as it did. I just wanted to look at him, wanted to try and figure out why he trusted me, why he trusted me with his life and his sister's life. I know many good men who would have turned them in and not given it a second thought. 

When I touched him that night it felt so good and so right. Something in me goaded me to continue. When he looked at me, a mixture of fear, curiosity and desire in his eyes I was lost. There was no way I could stop and I didn't. This isn't a good thing for either one of us because I could hurt him in so many ways, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I won't mean to but it's already happening. He tried to talk to me, to talk about what we do late at night when I'm always so certain no one will hear or see us. 

I brushed him off so easily the first couple of times and now he doesn't even try. He lets me do what I want and I greedily take what he offers, a small part of me ashamed at the look of confusion and sadness that now gazes out at me from his expressive eyes. I'm mostly quiet when we're together like this. I don't want anything to interfere but sometimes his name slips out when I slide into his hot and willing body. 

This is such a bad idea but I can't stop, can't see a time in the future when I won't want this. His face and his eyes, his body tells me everything he's thinking and I closely hold onto the fact that he doesn't want this to end either. 

I overheard him and River talking one day. I know she knows something and she asked if he was happy. His answer was a quiet and aching "no". I think he started to cry because his voice got thick and I moved away before I could hear what else they said. 

* 

I talked to Kaylee today. I told her I loved her but not the way she seemed to want. She asked why and I couldn't tell her the truth, that another person already owned my body. That the Captain could so easily own my soul, if he wanted it. I told her I would always be her friend but I couldn't be what she wanted or needed. She got sad and told me she would always be my friend too. I smiled at her and wondered if that was true, if she and the others found out about me. 

I'm tired but I'm determined to keep up my vigil beside the Captain. He's unconscious and recovering in the infirmary. I hold onto his hand, occasionally giving it a brief squeeze. He called out for me twice, both times while we were alone. His fevered ramblings have given me hope, though a small part of me says it's foolish to base anything on them. But they may be insight into what a man like Mal thinks. 

He said he was sorry a few times, also muttered about how much he needs me. I hope it's true and it makes me even more determined to talk to him, and this time I will not be turned away or ignored. If I have to do it in the middle of dinner I will. If I want the entire man and not just what he's given me I'll have to fight for it. Probably even after I win, I'll have to continue to fight him every inch, every day. I don't think I have a choice. I'm tied to him through more than sex and secrets, and I don't know how long I could take having only a small part of him, the part I see when he's undressing and climbing into my bed. 

I don't need much and this small unexpected look at Mal has given me hope that I'm not just someone to relieve an itch he has. Sure I still feel special but over time that feeling of being special has turned into a feeling of just being available and easy. The thought started in my head awhile ago and now I can't stop wondering if he came to me because he knew I would not turn him away, that I would give him what he wanted without making demands for more. I've done that and more but it ends here. 

I say that and right now I'm determined that if it doesn't go the way I want it to, I can't continue this, can't continue to wait to see if this night will be the night he tells me thanks and that it's over. I dread to see a look of derision in his eyes and realize that I am nothing but his over educated whore. 

__

Three days after I recovered from a knife wound and a fall off a short roof, Simon came to my room. He told me what I said while I was in the infirmary. I told him I remembered most of it. Then I asked him what he wanted and shouldn't he be off looking after his sister. He continued like he didn't hear me and asked me point blank if I thought he was a whore. My shock must have been enough to convince him and frankly I missed his next few words. 

Where did he get that idea? The answer was right there but I never meant for him to feel like that, to feel like I thought so little of him. I catch his next question and now I know my time is up. This is the point I didn't want to face. He wants more from me and when he told me what he wanted, it surprised me. It wasn't much and he can tell by the look in my eye that I expected him to say more. 

I told him I never meant for all this to happen but I don't want to lose it. As to whether I want more than we have, more than just sneaking into his room and making his body sing for me, and then sneaking off when I'm done, yeah I do. I tell him honestly that I don't know how to go about this, how to change three months of habit and I also tell him I like it just being about us, with no comments from anyone else about how we conduct what will most likely be a volatile relationship. It's a complication that I just don't need or want. 

He smiled at me and lay down in my bed for the first time. 

* 

He still has the ability to overwhelm me and make me forget everything but him. His touch lingers on my body now, no longer hurried or focused on the end goal. The same intensity is there but now it burns through us both, surrounds us both like a sticky spider web. 

Outside of my room or his, he no longer looks through me like he didn't just have me whimpering his name an hour before. His eyes tell me that when the job is done, when we have the coin we need to go a little further he will make me boneless again until there is nothing left of us but gasping breath, slick skin and our mingled scents. 

We still have disagreements but not about what we do between cool, clean smelling sheets. In bed we come together and offer something to each other that shakes us both. He fucks me so slowly, teasing me, telling me he loves it when he can lick the sweat from my body and feel me shudder and clutch at the sheets. I love it when he can do these things too. 

He may never tell me he loves me, but I can see it in his eyes. For now, that's enough. 

The End. 

#### If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Kellygirl


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